Saturday, June 7, 2008

Clancy S--------?

It's rather long but worth it!!

Written by Lee Coppola

"Ever wonder what happens when a pet takes on a persona? Ashley could have told you, if he could have talked. Ashley was the family mutt, an SPCA special, part beagle and part spaniel. For years, most of them after he died, he also served as the family's representative in the local telephone book. He was picked for it quite haphazardly one day when I tried to keep my number out of the book to avoid getting business calls at home. When I balked at the $60 a yr fee, the cherry telephone company representative suggested I list the number in one of my children's names. I was munching a sandwich at the time and Ashley followed me around the kitchen waiting for a crumb to fall.

"Can I put the phone in any name?" I asked the rep as I sidestepped Ashley.

"Certainly", she answered and therein gave birth to 10 yrs of telephone calls and mail to a dog.

"A remarkable new book about the Coppolas since the Civil War is about to make history and you,- Ashley Coppola- are in it." touted one letter asking Ashley to send $10 right away for this "One time offer".

Ashley received hundreds of pieces of mail, the bulk soliciting his money. The most ironic pitches for cash were from SPCA and the Buffalo Zoo, a kind of animal-helping-animal scenario. and we wondered how the Chief executive of the local cemetery might react if he knew he was asking a canine to buy a plot to give his family "Peace of Mind". Or a local lawn service's thought about asking a dog who daily messed the grass. "Is your lawn as attractive as it could be?"

Then there was the letter offering Ashley "reliable electronic security to protect your home." One of the kids asked if that wasn't Ashley's job.

The Kids soon got into the swing of having their dog receive mail and telephone calls.

'He's sleeping under the dining room table,' was a favorite response.

My wife would have nothing of that frivolity, preferring to simply reply, "He's deceased."

But that tack backfired on her one day when our youngest child took an almost pleading call from a survey-company employee looking for Ashley. "I'm Ashley". The 17-yr-old politely replied, taking pity on the caller. He dutifully gave his age and answered a few questions before he realized he was late for an appointment and hurriedly cut short the conversation. "Can I call again?" the surveyor asked. "OK." our son said as he hung up. Sure enough the surveyor called again the next day and asked for Ashley. But this time Mom answered and gave her standard reply. "Oh my!" exclaimed the Caller. "I'm so, so sorry!" The surveyor's horrified grief puzzled my wife until our son explained how he had been a healthy teenage Ashley the day before.

Did I mention credit cards? Ashley paid his bills on time judging, from the $5,000 lines-of-credit for which he 'automatically' qualified. Made us wonder about the scrutiny of the nations credit card industry"


Incomplete said...

That is really good. Poignantly humurous.

Abutton said...

That is hilarious!

Kristi said...

I'm going to tell David about this. Maybe he'll want to set up something similar under his dog Jack's name.

Julia said...

Hi Lady Dvora,
I just found your blog after reading your comments on Lydia's and Annie's and a whole bunch of other people's blogs...just thought I'd say hi. I love this story of Ashley the dog...I've heard it somewhere but can't remember where...oh well. Have a great day!
Julia from Julia's Journal